Weapons as distractions April 16, 2005
This morning while I was flipping channels and eating my less-than-stellar pancakes, I happened across one of those fantasy/action shows that are always popping up and disappearing almost as quickly. In this particular scene, a blandly Aryan villain was sneering at a blandly menacing bearded figure shrouded in a dark robe, shouting, “We may have lost The Blade, but we still have The Lance!”
So, I started looking around my apartment to see what could be used as an undescriptive yet accurately named weapon to threaten my enemies with. Unfortunately, I didn’t turn up anything that could cause actual harm, like The Chainsaw or The Broadsword, but I did come across the following:
- The Spatula
- The Fluffy Bunny That Sits On My Monitor
- The Beaded Lampshade
- The Kitschy Velvet Painting
- The Sewing Kit
- The Printer That Doesn’t Work
- The Dry Hi-Liter
- The Container Of Scrap Yarn
- The Bar Of Soap
The Spatula could be used to scrape my enemies off the carpet. The Fluffy Bunny could distract my enemies with its cuteness. The Lampshade could be worn as a silly party hat. The Velvet Painting would cause my enemies to stop and seriously consider my questionable decorating abilities. The Sewing Kit - yeah, I don’t use it for much either. The Printer could frustrated them with its inability to indicate exactly why it doesn’t work (I think it has something to do with the print head, but I’m not sure). The Hi-Liter could send them on a fruitless search of my apartment for one that works (the secret is that I don’t have one that works - HA!) The Yarn can be used to create a lovely multi-coloured afghan under which my enemies can huddle. And The Soap just smells nice.
And let us not forget the most dangerous of all my potential weapons - The Comfy Chair!
What weapons do you have laying around your humble abode?
A drunken man came into my apartment once and I couldn’t get to the phone (it was behind a locked door - student housing - d’oh!) so I knew it might be wise for me to find a weapon, just in case. I had been outside painting, and I had one thing in my hands: spray paint. While I was trying to get him to leave peacefully (he did) I was standing there thinking of ways I could use it to get away. The sad part was neither the campus police nor the apt. manager would do anything about it, even though I was not the first one he walked in on. Grr…
Of course, the irony of an artist wielding a can of spray paint as a weapon is just too funny.
Nowadays, I’ve graduated to the ultimate weapon of distraction: the litterbox! Feel the wrath of Thor kitty! Muahahaha!
I would have thought you could use a knitting needle…that’s what killed the body in the library. The author, BTW, is Maureen Jennings.
My sister, her friend, and I were sorting books at the church for the upcoming book sale when two of us (my sister is a little deaf) heard the distinct sound of a chair falling over.
We went down to investigate using heavy books like dictionaries with a wooden clog for backup (it must have been the 80s). I should have known then that I was destined for library work at some point in my life. We had great faith in those books.
We eventually called the police who looked through the whole labrynth they call church but didn’t find anyone lurking about. We went back to sorting and we heard lots of other sounds that we just ignored.
Elaine