Larocque and Roll

Fun with government documents! May 22, 2007

I was browsing a list of recently published documents from the Government of Canada [1], and at first glance, I saw what I thought was the Coolest. Document. Ever. Unfortunately, I reread the title and it wasn’t nearly as exciting as I had first thought. What was actually “Be Careful With Lighters and Matches” I had read as…

…”Be Careful With Lightsabres and Machetes”

Tell me - how awesome would that be if the Canadian Government commisioned and published a document on lightsabre and machete safety? It would probably have stuff like:

• When turning on your lightsaber, make sure the light part is facing away from you.
• Do not throw your lightsabre, unless you can use The Force to control its trajectory.
• Under no circumstances should you operate your lightsabre or machete if you have been consuming alcohol or other judgement-imparing substances.
• Be careful when using your machete to break open coconuts - you might end up cutting off more than the fiberous outter shell!

I am totally open to other suggestions as to what would be in such a document.

[1] We’re a depository library, which means we get to order and house government documents.

Distraction April 2, 2007

I was all set to write about my adventures with Facebook, but then someone sent me a link to this site, and I got sidetracked. And distracted. Needless to say, it is so not safe for work that you should not even think about opening it at work. In fact, if you open this at home, chances are good your co-workers will know what you were looking at the night before. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Tell me something I don’t know January 25, 2007

So, normally, I don’t post a lot of links to things I find amusing, but I have to share this one (or at least, my reaction to this one). Long story short: there’s a video of a song floating around the internet, called “God Hates Fags” - it’s a terribly cheesy song, and there’s been much debate about whether or not the whole thing is a hoax (go here - the video is on the band’s web site. Then come to your own conclusions.)

The link comes courtesy of a “ministry” site, where they also have a handy list of bands to avoid because they’re gay. Some are so obvious - Boy George, Pet Shop Boys, Eurasure - it isn’t at all surprising. Others - Metallica, Jay-Z, Kansas, Nickleback, Frank Sinatra - made me scratch my head. But the one that made me fall off my chair laughing was at the very bottom.

No kidding, eh?

“I’d like to thank…” December 14, 2004

Watching the Billboard Awards Saturday night, Kris, Karen and I noted the overwhelming trend towards thanking God and parents in acceptance speeches. There are others we would have like to see thanked that went completely ignored:

• “My Dark Lord and Master, Satan. You were right - I don’t need a soul and I am doing so much better now!”
• “The Betty Ford Clinic. Betty, baby - we’ve got to do lunch sometime. And this time, it won’t be liquid.”
• “The Elder Gods. Cthulhu, Yig, Nyarlathotep, He Who Can’t Be Named - you guys rock!”
• “My massage therapist, Niles.”
• “No one. ‘Cause it’s all about me! Me! Me! Me! Me!”
• “I’d like to thank ‘Hooked on Phonics’ for making me a better speller.”
• “My accountant, Bob, for teaching me about sex, drugs, and RRSPs.”

And the award for Most Inappropriate Motivational Cheer goes to… November 18, 2004

The grade 8 teacher from my Mom’s school who was coaching the boy’s vollyball tournament yesterday. Apparently “The Smasher” was overheard yelling:

“BOYS! GRAB YOUR BALLS AND PUT THEM IN DEEP!”

And, knowing him, he probably wasn’t even aware of what he said.

Things to keep you amused this afternoon November 14, 2004

Normally, I don’t post a lot of links, but I though I’d share these with you guys.

Homstar Runner is silly and goofy and fun for the whole family. The Strong Bad emails are the highlight, but I would play the games, too.

iLL WiLL PreSS is one I’ve mentioned before. The animation isn’t as slick as HSR, but it’s pretty funny nonetheless. Watch “Free Your Mind”, “Nuts to You” and “The Jiggly Butt.”

Weebls Stuff is very musical. Maybe you’ve heard/seen the annoyingly infectious Badger song video (if not, what are you waiting for?). Magical Trevor is also pretty catchy, as is Kenya. (Denise, I’m warning you - don’t watch the Salad Fingers cartoons! They creeped me out!)

Egg-tastic! October 26, 2004

This is adorable - yet, terrifying. (Thanks Louise!)

Sounds like a teleconference October 21, 2004

Today at work, I had two meetings, both by teleconference. The first was fairly small, just myself, the other client services people, and our manager. The second was related to our interlibrary loan software, so it was all the various North American user groups and the North American office. Some of the background noises heard during the second teleconference:

• barking dogs
• someone eating something crunchy near the mouthpiece
• someone drinking/slurping
• a dot matrix printer
• a doorbell (that could have been in the office, if we were getting a delivery)
• a screen door opening, then slamming shut
• someone heaving a huge, world-weary sigh after someone else finished explaining one of the proposed software improvements (no one owned up to it, so I don’t know if it was a general sigh, or a sigh related to what we were discussing)
• howling dogs (probably the same dogs as above)

I put my speaker phone on, so I can move around my office quietly. I did eat graham crackers during the call, but well back from the phone. I also dropped a stapler on my desk at one point, so that probably got picked up.

Sunday Night TV - Take 2: Surreal enough to be funny October 18, 2004

I don’t get The Brak Show. If I were watching it in the middle of the afternoon, I’d probably change the channel, scratching my head and wondering what the hell that was.

However, Sunday nights when I’m falling asleep on my knitting needles, it’s the funniest show EVER. I think you need to be really tired, drunk or high to appreciate how funny the dream-like apparition of Spoony (a walking, talking wooden spoon) and Geoffry the Wonderbird are. Or the following bit of dialogue, which made me laugh so hard I snorted apple cider everywhere:

Brak: “Hey Mom. Where’s Dad?”
Mom: “He’s in the trunk of the car.”
Brak: “What’s he doing in there?”
Mom: “I just wanted five minutes to myself!”

See? Not really that funny. Try reading it when you’re really tired, and it becomes comedy gold!

Ignore the Gal in the Glass Office (or, Why I Shouldn’t Drink a Pot of Coffee in the Morning) October 15, 2004

At work, I’m a member of a team that is creating an auditing document. It’s to be used by the teams who will be auditing the programs we offer our clients. Right now, we’re at the stage where we have almost completed the process, but need to test it out to see how it all works. During our regular meeting on Wednesday, I was assigned the task to create scenarios on which to test this draft document. This morning, while working on another document, I began thinking about possible scenarios - all of them silly, of course, because I had slept very well the night before* and had consumed a pot of coffee this morning.

• Scenario #1: Problem Library Users - the program is designed to teach librarians how to deal with those library users who make your life a living hell. You’ll learn when and how to confront them, when to ignore them and walk away, and how to hide the bodies if the first two suggestions fail.
• Scenario #2: Effective Gossip-mongering - the Library is the hub of any community, where residents go for all of their information needs, from formal and informal sources. As such, the library should be *the* place residents turn to when they want to know the latest news about what everyone else is doing. The tools presented in this workshop will teach you how to collect tidbits of gossip, how to assemble them into a more complete picture, and how to go about passing them along.
• Scenario #3: Computer Repairs 101 - How many times a day are Librarians forced to drop everything and deal with library users complaining about a major computer malfunction, when in reality the problem is no more complicated than the mouse cord has come unplugged? Or even worse, what happens when the library user announces they have “fixed” the problem, which results in one less computer, irrate Internet users and a visit from the computer technician? In this workshop, librarians will learn how to discourage users from undertaking “repairs”, and technical-sounding jargon to placaite the most insistent “computer expert.”
• Scenario #4: Erotica Pool** - Libraries will have a chance to host a collection of tasteful videos, books, CDs and “how-to” manuals. Marital aids not included.
• Scenario #5: Collecting Overdue Materials - are polite reminders and mailed notices being ignored? Do library users feign surprise when you tell them that the book they borrowed in January is past due and needs to be returned immediately? Learn the take-down and repo techniques that are used by the top bounty hunters in Ontario and across Canada.

Naturally, I’m just kidding and would never actually submit any of these as legitimate scenarios. Although, I’d be curious to see what happens if libraries express an interest in #4.

* Of course, I had another one of my stupid post-apocalyptic dreams. Usually, something disasterous has happened on a global scale, and I’m stuck trying to find various family members - this time, my sister Rachelle who hadn’t been heard from, and my sister Denise, who had left me her cat and gone to work, not to be seen again - and figure out how we’re going to survive. Then I wake up and try to figure out if what I’m hearing outside is rioting or just traffic and rain.

** A “pool” is a special collection of materials, usually something that a library doesn’t have or can’t afford to have a whole collection of, and is rotated between participating libraries. Sometimes this might be DVDs or videos, talking books or music CDs.